you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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