Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
