I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
