I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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