There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
