I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
