My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
