omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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