FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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