It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
