I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
