new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
