you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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