oh god the rape fog is back!
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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