your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
