This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
