my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
