he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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