I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
