Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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