i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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