I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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