It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
