hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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