please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
