my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
