So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
