u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
