I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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