There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
