my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
