The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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