I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
