Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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