Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
