i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
