Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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