Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
