proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
