I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I FOUND THE LEGS
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
