Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
