I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
