I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
we're chasing vodka with high fives
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
