i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
