Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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