If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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