you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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