I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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