worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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