sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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