I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
