What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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