You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We had sex on a dog bed..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
